How to Say No: Setting boundaries for a better life

How to Say No: Setting boundaries for a better life

To live well and avoid anxiety, burnout and underperforming you will have to set limits. That means saying yes and no to the right things. This article will show you why you need to set boundaries, how to determine them and how to say no without it sounding like you are rejecting the person. In fact, by saying no, you will strengthen your relationships and make your life flourish!

It’s not easy to say no, well. In fact, for many of us, it can be downright tricky. Saying no seems like we’re turning down the person or opportunity in front of us. We don’t want to disappoint people, especially if we sense they’re counting on us. But saying yes to too many things can lead to disappointment and burnout. So it’s essential to learn how to set boundaries and protect our time and energy by knowing when to say no.

Everyone has limits, to live well respect them

First, it’s essential to be clear about our limitations. We need to know what we’re willing and not willing to do to set boundaries accordingly.

There are a few ways to determine your boundaries. The most important part of the process is knowing yourself – What are your superpowers, passions and purpose? To maximize your effectiveness and ensure you deliver your best for others, you want to say yes to things in your sweet spot and no to projects that are too much for you. A few questions to consider are:

Why is it important to be clear about boundaries?

Learning how to say no is a vital part of growth and productivity. For one, saying yes to too many things can lead to disappointment and burnout. We only have so much time and energy, and if we’re not careful, we’ll waste both by saying yes to things that aren’t in our bandwidth. Saying yes to activities that aren’t in your sweet spot results in either having to say no later or getting things done with less energy, potentially damaging projects and relationships. By saying no to things outside your energy sources, passions and capabilities, you ensure that you produce great work on the things that count. When you say no, you increase your agency, clarify your focus and set yourself and your relationships up for success.

People can indeed be offended when they hear “No.” So here’s a clever way to help the listener hear “yes” to them and clarify what you are spending your time doing.

How does this land?

Oh, thank you for asking me! That means so much that you believe I could do that. But, unfortunately, I’m going to have to turn this opportunity down because I’m concentrating on finishing my thesis and need the focus and margin to complete it.

Here is the technique:

Build a bridge – Thank you is polite, and your supervisor or friend first hears how thoughtful they are. This step makes them feel good and sets them up to listen to your boundary positively.

Don’t say sorry! – You get to be in charge of your time and energy. Brené Brown popularized “Clear is Kind, Unclear is Unkind.” When you don’t apologize, you make it easier the next time you need to stick with your boundaries. People will get the message that you’re confident in setting your limit.

Be specific – Give the actual reason. People respect others’ boundaries when they understand the pressures and situations. You open up a conversation about your “No” because you don’t want to overcommit and underdeliver – whether it is a project or a relationship.

Coach your way out – Here is the biggest trick – the Jedi mind trick that will make you powerful and popular! Break free from codependence and advice-giving by holding your partner capable of doing what they can. This is empowerment – you’re improving others and building capacity by saying no!

Ask a Question!

Asking a question is generous because it helps the person determine how to get what they want. You can ask,

“Who else are you thinking about inviting?”

“What have you already tried?”

“What/Who else can help?”

“Why is this important to you?”

Gaining understanding and opening the person up helps them discover solutions. When you become a thinking partner and finish the conversation, you build a strong relational bond. You become their ally by imagining how they can get what they want! Your counterpart will see you as someone who works alongside them (not rejecting them, not subservient to them and also quite helpful). You become a co-creator of a solution that helps you maintain your place in the system and increase your organization’s capacity.

Conclusion

Boundaries are critical because they help us focus on what we’re passionate about and protect our time and energy for what matters. When we learn to say no in a way that enhances relationships with others, we set ourselves up for success. Saying yes to too many things can lead to disappointment and burnout, while saying no to requests outside your sweet spot increases your performance. When you say no and coach people to find their own answer, you teach them you are not their messiah and that they have agency in determining what they need. You’ll find that as they increase their capacity, they will ask you to do things less and approach you for coaching instead.